I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
