And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
