I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
