Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Everyone says I win the strip club
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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