I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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