You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
