mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
