dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
