I faked an abortion last night.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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