When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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