Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
