Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
