ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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