I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
