I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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