He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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