I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
