Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
