She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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