Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
