Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
