On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
