Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
