My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
COCAINE IS GR8
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
