I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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