yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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