Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Terrible idea I love it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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