Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
