I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
