ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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