omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
