The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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