My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
