yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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