Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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