I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
