Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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