dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
