she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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