I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
