i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
