when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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