I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
