i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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