I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
