I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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