you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
