so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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