she was so not down for the gang bang
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
