the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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