i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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