After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
