he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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