Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
