I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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