i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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