Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
