I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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